The Toby Show

Wiping the slate clean

Stephen gave this to me as a birth/anniversary gift.  Isn't it lovely?  I'm a lucky girl.

It's from the, famous throughout blogland, Lisa Leonard Designs.  All her stuff is amazing.  I don't generally like most "mommy necklaces" but I think this one is simple and classy. I also like having the "S" on there for Stephen (my first baby).

He actually gave it to me about 2 weeks before both events.  I was a hormonal tsunami in the weeks leading up to the birth and I think he could tell I needed a pick me up.  Oh, who am I kidding?  I unleashed some totally bald pregnancy freakshow shit on him a few times--he was trying to save himself from the jaws of the beast.  I think it worked for a day or two.

Body chemistry is such an amazing science, isn't it?  I felt a tectonic shift within minutes of giving birth, as if I instantly and miraculously became myself again.  Thank god.

It's not always pretty, honey.  But it's always real.  Thanks for hanging in there with me. 

Homecoming

Well, our long journey is finished.  Stephen got home from his 3 month job in New Mexico this weekend.  Huck and I are both really excited to have him back.

The only slightly discouraging thing about it all is the long list of unfinished tasks I had planned to get done while he was away.  Remember my big list?  Let's have a look and see how I did...

• Re-arrange the kitchen cabinets--not just to screw with him, this is really something that needs to be done.  I just need to cull down on some stuff that never gets used and get things organized.  I did this and it's so much better.  I got rid of a lot of useless junk.

• Update the baby book.  I started but didn't finish.  I have to order some prints and haven't done it yet.
  

• Make us a picnic quilt.  Not even.

• Start a Toddler Art Group.  Nope.

• Finish Laundry Room overhaul--including set up a clothesline outside.  I did get the laundry room finished but didn't get a clothes line up.  That's going to be a project for next spring.  Or I MIGHT do an indoor English style one on that goes up and down on a pully for this winter--our basement has really high ceilings so it would totally work.
  

• Finish work on the outdoor fire pit for this fall.  HA!  The whole area is completely overgrown with weeds.

• Maybe plant one of the raised bed?  (Why does this feel daunting?).  Apparently it felt too daunting.  See above, same thing, totally overgrown with weeds and has been moved to the next spring list.  On the upside, I'm close to being able to harvest a ton of thistle.  Do you know anyone who needs some?
  

• Write treatments for 2 new scripts.  Nope. Thought about one for a few hours--does that count?
  

• Pimp the deck & patio--plant the outdoor planters.  Yes!  I did this and we've been enjoying them both all summer.

• Set up an Etsy shop?  Still noodling this one.  But I do want to get it going this fall.
  

• Overhaul the blog and develop a new look.  I need to learn my design software and use it.  This banner & layout was supposed to be temporary you know--that was 8 months ago.  Yippee!  Something difficult I completed.  I'm also really happy with the results.

• Pimp Huck's room.  He needs throw pilllows, sheets for his big boy bed, a lamp and a thing or two for the walls.  Oh, and the lightbulbs are all burned out.  No, even the lightbulbs are still out but they are getting changed this week..

• Bookkeeping overhaul--go paperless with bills and banking.  I did this too.  Most of it anyway.  I have a few more accounts to set up and I'll be blogging about it soon.

• Help my niece set up a blog.  She opted out.  Wimp.

• Clear out my closet and make a big trip to the thrift store.  Didn't get to this either and by the time I felt ready, I was in no condition to be trying on clothes.  The bummer is that having missed my window I'll be waiting until at least 8 months after the baby comes to try again...(cough) maybe longer.

Oh well.  I did get a ton of other fun, little, on a whim stuff done and more importantly, we all made it through the separation unscathed.

Welcome home, honey! 

Rearranging

In a probably futile attempt to get Spring to come sooner, we've been rearranging the house.  That's why I've been AWOL for a few days.  My. House. Is. A. Wreck.  Completely torn apart and only half put back together again.  Computer on the floor, sofa cushions piled on the table, toys heaped on the guest bed, chairs and end tables all willy nilly.  It's an obstacle course.  No toes are safe. 

I come from a family where no furniture was ever rearranged during my entire childhood, except for the one time when we moved houses.  And even then, certain rooms were just sort of transported intact. We just weren't that kind of people.  We were the kind of people who set up our little world and then snuggled down into the ruts.  Dressers and beds stayed in their original places until they began to slowly decompose from the legs up. 

My husband on the other hand, gets bored and likes to shake things up now and then.  Going along with him on this is a cheaper cure for cabin fever than a vacation we can't afford.  And I don't really mind.  I try to get excited and flow with it but, deep down inside, it does kinda set me on edge.  It's the whole "A place for everything, and everything in it's place" mentality that is part of my DNA.  Oh well, to hell with that. Things will find new places.  Here's what we've done:

We moved the playroom/family room from the small upstairs loft down into the basement...

Moved the office from the huge basement to the upstairs loft...

Moved storage from a future bathroom in the basement to the high sleeping loft in Huck's room...

Moved the full futon from the sleeping loft down onto Huck's floor because the crib escapes have not magically disappeared...

and, drum roll...

Turned the future bathroom in the basement into MY CRAFT ROOM!   It's small cozy, but a huge upgrade from having my sewing machine on the end of the dining room table and all my junk in tubs under my bed.   

I'll post some pictures once we have have Humpty Dumpty put back together again.

I don't know if this will make it stop snowing or not but I think it will at least keep us from sleepwalking around our life for a while and kick start the spring cleaning process that I've been making lists for but not actually beginning.

Shake it up!

I have been trying to think of something interesting to say about Valentine's Day all week.  Unfortunately, I don't think I can say it any better than Tracey at Sweetney did here.

Valentine's Day in general just makes me feel like shrugging.  I vacillate between apathy and expectation.  The story of my life in a way--a non-conformist trapped by a conformist upbringing.  Or is it a conformist trapped by a desire to be a non-conformist.  I could probably pay someone a bunch of money to find out.  I'm pretty sure I'm trapped by something.

I like flowers and sweetness as much as the next girl but, for some reason, the notion of it happening on a set day takes all the jazz out of it for me.  It's like telling your husband he better bring you some damn flowers and then...he does.  Big whoop.  So he can follow instructions.  So can my two-year-old and the mutt I got from the pound.

Spontaneous acts of romance just don't have that nasty tinge of requirement.  But then, my husband isn't a "I was just thinking of you today, so I got you something beautiful" kind of guy.  He's more of a "I knew you needed an oil change, so I scheduled it for your day off" kinda guy.  And I usually appreciate that kind of pragmatism, really, but it certainly doesn't make you all wobbly kneed.  So while I really don't like the idea of Valentine's day, I still sort of hope for some small token, even though it doesn't mean much to me.  You know?

But if you let go of the arm-twisting, nonsense of Valentine's Day, where do you get your hit?  What to do about a little romance?  Are we fated to finding statements of undying love in the times they clean up their whiskers after shaving?  Most of us have the romance at the start.  Where does it go?  Does it evaporate? Or just get gobbled up by the dreck that takes precedence day to day?  I'm okay giving up on V-day.  I really am.  But I want something in return.  Something besides him putting his shoes away a couple times a year.

In fact, maybe I just got it.  Stephen sent me an interesting article from The New York Times yesterday called Reinventing Date Night for Long-Married Couples.  You should read it.  The gist is that it's not spending scheduled time together that rejuvenates romance in a long term relationship.  It's not the ubiquitous date night, or even the wilted, annual bouquet from the grocery store.

It's novelty.  Anything new somehow kick starts that dead area of the brain that's so on fire in the early months of a relationship.  That he emailed this article is not lost on me as a romantic act in and of itself, albeit a pragmatic one.  But it's a start.  And if there's something to this, I'm willing to give it a try.

So maybe we should all call it off for today.  Everyone gets a pass on Valentine's Day.  And instead of scrambling for candy and picked over flowers and silly Hallmark cards to show we care because, well, we're supposed to, let's all spend that time planning something totally new for the weekend.

Maybe paint ball, or a couples massage, or a night at the theatre or a comedy show instead of another movie.  Sign up for a class together.  I don't think it's really important that you find something that you both have always been dying to do, just that's it's something neither of you has ever done before and can see yourselves potentially having fun at--even if part of the fun is laughing at the other people there.

Maybe it's all hokum and a box of Russell Stover's will get you through the holiday, but I'm looking for something long term.  Something that doesn't drop its petals by the 15th...or go straight to my hips.

Live from the front lines

For any complaining I've ever done about my husband, I apologize. Since we've been gone, I've woken up to this glorious sight twice.

Superbad

You all know we've been trying for second kid for a couple of months now.  I wrote about Fuck Week when I first started the blog.  This isn't really about that.  This is about the brilliant simplicity of men.  May they never change.

Him:  Hey, is Fuck Week over?

Me:  Yes.  We'll know in 2 weeks.

Him:  Cool.  <long pause>  I was thinking...

Me:  <Uh-oh.  This should be good.>

Him:  ...since Fuck Week is over, maybe this week should be Suck Week.

How dirty text messaging can save your marriage

Alright the title is a bit of a hyperbole but I bet it got your attention.  My marriage doesn't really need saving, just a little freshening up.  Whose doesn't? 

I got an iPhone for Christmas and started goofing around with it.  I just thought that instead of texting "Test 1, 2, 3," I might as well have a little fun.  The amount of fun I unleashed with one little TM was quite a shocker. 

I'm sure the kids have been doing this for years but since I'm not 16, and the last time I was single cell phones were the size of a shoebox, I guess I'm out of the loop.  Not only was my surprise a huge turn-on for him, it also made me feel immediately playful.  It reminded me of passing funny but dangerous notes in class.   I couldn't wait to see his reaction.  For anyone who's been with their spouse for more than 5 years (try 14 here!) and has kids, you know that feeling playful with your spouse is a very BIG DEAL!

And the best thing about it?  You don't have to be in the mood.  You could be taking a break from the laundry or waiting at the bank or sitting on the couch making sure your toddler stays on the naughty step.  You just pop off a quick text message from your cell phone to his and know that he's squirming somewhere.  In fact, the whole idea is to send it when he's not expecting it and can't do anything about it. 

There are a couple of ways to go with this, depending on your personal style.  Here are a few ideas to get you warmed up:

Demure

• thinking of u <sigh>
• don't use it all up and the gym

Graphic

• me so horny
• there's a thong up my ass with your name on it (It doesn't even have to be true!)
  
• want to wolf u down like a state fair corny dog

If you're really lucky, he'll reply and you can get a little back and forth going, if you get my drift.  Believe me, it's way easier than phone sex, which I've always found almost as comical as porn.  Which leads me to my next suggestion--feel free to get creative and use that dinky little camera to send some visual enticement as well.  And no, I won't be posting examples.

So...need a no fuss pick me up in your relationship?  Enter technology.

Sometimes a good tantrum is the only way to go

Unfortunately, I'm not talking about my toddler.  I'm talking about myself. 

After you've tried hints and petulance and going all eerily quiet with the lemon sucking face, sometimes the only thing that really has any impact, and clues your spouse in to the fact that you are at the end of your rope, is a hissy fit.

I had one the other night.  He'd been gone for a week on a business trip, had been back for 2 days and hadn't really noticed that I was at my wits end with Huck and...well...just everything.  The holidays and house guests were fast approaching, I was getting a cold, I had just started my period, and then I got kicked in the face by a toddler boot while he and Huck were rough-housing, leaving me with a real live, honest to God, black eye as we roll into the weekend of Christmas parties.  I am so relishing the chance to explain what happened a gabillon times over the eggnog bowl without it sounding like a sad attempt to protect my abusive husband.  There was all kinds of slack laying around and I needed somebody to help pick it up.  Preferably somebody who just had 6 night off of daddy duty. 

Not that I actually told him that.  Instead, I went the "with everything that's going on you should just know" route.  Why does that never work?  And why do I try it over and over again?  Oh, and why is my husband is so intuitive when it comes to how many inches our ski hill will get overnight but so incredibly UNintuitive when it comes to his menstrual, congested wife with the shiner who's been alone with a toddler for a week wanting someone else to handle bedtime?  Any ideas?

It wasn't preconceived, I swear, but I couldn't have planned it better.  Somehow it was just the right level of honesty mixed with recrimination mixed with tears and whininess.  He listened and he pitied me.  Which I suppose is all I really wanted in the end.

He put Huck to bed for me the next two nights and was an all around nice and understanding guy.  I'm feeling much better.  I find myself both ashamed of my childish behavior and thinking I need to remember this as a tactic for next time and just cut straight to the fitlet. 

A Christmas PSA for your spouse

It's time to do your husband, partner, boyfriend or lover a little holiday favor.  If you've got a guy (or girl)  who just isn't that good at gifts or holidays or is just a little bit thick, give up on the hints and deliver this little note instead.  I delivered mine orally yesterday.  That's NOT what I meant!  But I suppose it could hammer the message home for the hard cases.

-----

Dear Honey,

Just in case you haven't gotten around to buying me a Christmas gift this year I wanted to give you a friendly heads up.  You are fast approaching the time when stores will be horribly crowded and picked over, many items will be out-of-stock, and shipping to get online purchases or special orders here on time will be incredibly expensive, if not impossible.  I know you don't want to get left out in the cold, so this is just a gentle reminder of my expectations.

I mean it in the nicest possible way, in a preemptive sort of better to have a little discomfort now rather than a lot later kind of way, but I want you to know that I will be upset if there's nothing under the tree for me on Christmas morning.  Or if what's under the tree for me are little cut out pictures of what you're going to get me stuck inside a get well soon card.  Maybe it's me, but somehow it's just not the same as getting an actual gift, in time, on the actual holiday, and having it to enjoy immediately as I bask in your love.

In the interest of making things easy, here are three things I would be thrilled to get:

1. Photoshop Elements Software (available at many online retailers)
2. Any piece of jewelry from Magpie's on Ski Hill Road (open 10-4pm, Mon-Sat)
3. Any book from the Amazon Wish List I have created for your use.  You could print out this list and take it to our local bookstore to order by Sunday 12/16 and pick up on Wednesday 12/18.  They do free gift wrapping!

(Please note the level of specificity.)

These are simply suggestions and do not constitute a list of must haves.  The truth is, I would simply love to receive anything you came up with and picked out yourself.  So long as I receive it on Christmas morning.  But just to avoid any problems, here are three things I would really not consider appropriate gifts:

1. Anything that helps me cook or clean more efficiently
2. A gym membership
3. Anything crotchless

I truly hope you'll take this little public service announcement in the spirit it was given--with 14 years of love, understanding and acceptance and with the hope that we'll all have a lovely Christmas morning.

All my Love...

Absence really does make the heart grow fonder

Does anyone else actually enjoy it when their husband goes away on a trip?  Or does that make me an unloving wife? 

It's not like I boot him out the door or roll my eyes when he calls to check-in, but I absolutely love having some time to myself.  I love that my house stays clean (well, you know, neat anyway).  And I love that I can get so much done in the evenings.  The minute he tells me he has a trip, I start making lists of what all I'm going to do with my free time, and without that nagging feeling that I'm taking time and attention away from him.  Ah, guilt free living.

It's like...Autonomy Week.

See, I'm not so good at doing things outside the house, just for me.  You know, girl's night out or a class or therapy.  I just don't do it.  I think about it, I sometimes even fantasize about it a little, but I have no follow through.  So, his business trips are really my personal recharge times, too.  I'll do a little DIY spa night and clean my ears and loofa between my toes and walk around with mashed avocado on my face.  I'll sip tea and listen to lesbian music.  I'll snuggle in bed and sew while watching movies he would hate and weep over them like a fool.  It's only a week.  But it's a glorious, wonderful week.

And I assure you, the feeling is mutual.  He loves spreading out in a big bed by himself and not having someone yank on the covers or kick him when he inadvertantly crosses the maginot line (apparently, I'm not a very nice person in the middle of the night).  He enjoys sleeping deeply (and late) without the edgy fear that a baby might scream out in the darkness.  And then there's Sports Center.

When we were back east, I'd go off to Cincinnati, or Miami, or Boston on 13 week show runs and he'd go off on 8 week film shoots from time to time.  We'd have one visit in the middle--and let me tell you it was a great visit.  Since we moved out west he's gone back to the city for a week every month or so.  I think these separations have been good for us--ongoing breaks to tune into our own needs, reconnect with being individual human beings, and occasional reminders of how much the other person actually does for us and how much we appreciate it.

The fun really only last about 4 days, then I start to miss him.  I actually love the whole progression though--the growing anticipation of his trip and the coming alone time, the prospect of getting so much done in the evenings, ticking things of my list, starting to miss him, talking about missing each other on the phone, the eagerness for his return, and finally, welcoming him home.  It's all a nice change from the routine.

Anyway, he leaves tomorrow afternoon and my list is made. 

Sappy or scary movie suggestions now being accepted.